When I sent you the first letter, I wasn't entirely sure that you'd
receive it. Or if you did, you didn't care. That was six months ago. I
had gone through a lot of thinking since you had first left me. You
know, I wanted to leave everyone behind so I could just be with you. But
I always felt like I couldn't let go of someone. I was going to, for
you. And I could tell he was upset when he texted me at 3 in the
morning. I was going to let him go because I thought he always treated
me like shit and you were so committed to me. But maybe I was just scared of a precarious future with him.
And then one day, I hadn't heard from you again. I knew what it meant and that was why I sent that letter to make amends. I wanted you to know a little bit of my perspective. But when you said you got it, you thought it meant that I missed you, not a goodbye. It was true, I did miss you. But I think that you should have never spoke to me after that.
During that time when you gone, I had missed you so much and promised myself that I would do everything to be the girlfriend I never was if I got the chance again. But I knew that wasn't going to ever happen because you said you only give a girl one chance. So overtime, I would stop thinking about you. And I would become closer to him.
He would tell me that he loved me and we would spend a lot of time together. And when I got your phone call for the first time in six months, I didn't know what to think. That you just wanted closure or if you wanted to get back together again. I wanted the latter and you did too. And because of my promise, I was going to stop talking to him. But I was weak. I couldn't tell someone I loved for much longer than you that I could not see him anymore. And that was when I knew that I couldn't see you. You came back into my life at a horrible time. You were interrupting. You were a disturbance.
There's a difference. I've known him for a long time and we had been building our relationship, especially in your absence. And then there's you. I met you and you had the expectation that I was going to be your perfect girl. I was going to be your lap dog. Your accessory with no regard for what I wanted in life. There was no getting to know each other.
Now that I'm thinking about it, a life with you would have been easy, but for what? A lackluster relationship? Sure, but I wouldn't be happy when you're so dismissive. You criticize me and my body when you're imperfect yourself. How can I be happy with someone that has an ugly personality? I thought that my being with you would change you whenever I challanged you on things. But you're too arrogant to quit ugly habits.
When you were gone, I wasn't expecting to be with you again at all. I know, this was like how it was the first time when I refused to let him go. I should have done it then because it is much more excruciating this time around. If it wasn't for him, I would have done everything to make you happy. You just came back into my life too late.
I want you to know that I would have liked a life with you. And I hope that you do find someone that will love you for what you are and make you a better person.